rider profile:

John H

Riding background: I'm actually a cyclist from way back. I think I just got into motorcycling because the leathers and boots looked good and charging up a curving hilly road was something that you could actually enjoy rather than hate.

Favourite ride: One that's no more than a Parrington in length, on a sunny day with the maximum temperature no more than about 25, somewhere with pretty hills and trees. Alternatively, Hosko's recent trip 9 day 3,500km would have to be on the favourites list, but that was as much about the company and the fun between rides.

Worst ride: Some of my commutes to work would be on that list. The experience of being nearly killed or maimed by car drivers, sometimes through completely clueless stupidity, other times through outright pyschotic intent).

Worst accident: I'm rather lucky. The two I've been involved in both involved people ramming into the back of me at intersections - one involved me in a car, the other was me on the bike. I think of them both as "best accidents" because I wasn't seriously hurt in either and the offending drivers both had insurance. Some young girl ran her Astra into the ZZR and broke $1600 of fairing when I was giving way to a Land Rover (thank goodness I had both brakes applied and wasn't catapulted forward). My favourite was the one in 1997 when some guy destroyed his Verada by ploughing it into the back of my 1978 Ford Fairmont tank. I got out, looked in amazement at the slightly crooked BHP steel bumper on my car vs the telescoped front of the Verada, and said "I Won!"

Current car: 1991 Alfa Romeo 164 Lusso 3.0 V6 in Alfa red/metallic grey, with all black leather interior. A lovely car! Unfortunately what it does best (effortless cruising at 160km/h with the engine sitting on 4,000rpm and making the most superb snarling sound) is not allowed in Australia. :-( And spare parts prices are almost identical to Falcon or Commodore parts prices with an extra zero after them.

If you could have any bike, what would it be, and why: I guess a nice red Ducati 748, 749 or 848 to park next to the Alfa might be nice. Of course I'll neglect both of them and Michael Van D will report me to the Italian auto Style Police.

What is your most prized and important possession: that'd be Brettles. He cooks my dinner and can remember where I've put my glasses.

What item do you worship the most: Various Catholic things.

What is the best thing that has ever happened to you: Being born into an average middle class Australian family. You really can't get luckier than that.

What is the worst thing you have ever done: I choose not to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.

Best commercial: Back in the late 1970s I think Marcia Hines or someone like that did a soul/disco Tarax Black Label lemonade ad which introduced me to glamour, sequins, and I suspect may have turned me gay.

Hottest actor: For some strange reason, I've never found actors that attractive. (Maybe it's because they'd be so good at pretending to be someone they're not?) That much said, I did have a bit of a thing for Daniel Day Lewis in "Last of the Mohicans".

If you were given $10,000 for plastic surgery what would you have done: Are you suggesting I need to have something done? Huh?

If you could choose your parents who would they be and why: Despite their occasional similarities to George Costanza's parents in the TV show 'Seinfeld', I'd never have chosen parents other than the ones I had.

What do you wear to bed: Brett won't let me wear full leathers and boots. :-(

When did you come out: Is there ever a single moment, or do you just continue to come out with every new significant friendship or relationship you form? I do remember though being at the Espy in 1997, age 25, and telling the first of my straight friends from uni (my second family) that I wasn't straight. He responded with amazement, support, and within 90 seconds was asking me to point out who the hot guys were. And when I did, then telling me I had bad taste in men.

Teenage crush/idol: My teenage years starting in December 1984, idols would have been generally anyone with a big spiky mullet and stovepipe tight pants of black denim or leather. So the appropriately named Billy Idol, Marty Willson-Piper from The Church, Andy Prieboy, etc. As far as crushes - the most significant would have been the muscly 25yo surfer in my first year media class when I was 18, who used to turn up to uni on his red/black GPX750R in matching full leathers. On a scale of 1 to 10 he was about 11.5 and on the odd occasions that he struck up conversations with me, I had trouble managing to speak in coherent sentences. Alas he was heterosexual - though a kinky one - he seemed to be equally smitten with Kate, our dominatrix course tutor who liked to wear very tall black boots with very short black skirts, as I was with him.

What do you get out of the Melbourne Motorcycle Tourers bike club: Those membership fees I've been stealing from Ross's little plastic folder at club meetings.